Beware: If your key doesn't work, migrate it at https://std.gg/migrate.
=== Upgrade Keys ===
"This app can't run on your PC" If an anti-virus tampered with it, it will likely be an empty file, causing Windows to show this error.
It never opened before Make sure you have the .NET Framework 4.7.2 Runtime installed. Right-click the Launchpad and click "Troubleshoot compatibility."
It opened before An abrupt shutdown like a BSOD might've corrupted its configuration. Deleting the "Stand Launchpad" folders in your %userprofile%\AppData\Local\Calamity,_Inc folder will reset the configuration, hopefully fixing this problem.